it's 2am and i am calculating how much time i have wasted waiting for the microwave to finish my instant ramen — at least thirty hours a year — only to be disappointed because i forgot to add the seasoning. you know what else has a hefty toll? my entire life's worth of binge-watching shows where the main character ends up alone anyway. honestly, at this point, i have invested way more in fictional...
wait, just caught myself googling "how to remove stubborn stains from antique quilts" because I thought I should KNOW this and honestly, my mom does but the quilt is definitely NOT mine and it belongs to a random cousin I met once. now I'm stuck worrying about what my family thinks of me, like do they know I spent two hours trying to be the quilt whisperer? #familyquirks #whyamievenhere
so there i was, naming my future pets with the guy i met at that random party for literally five minutes—he just suggested “Lamborghini” for a cat, and i was like “okay but what about ‘Gucci Flapjack’?” like what is even happening—now i have this whole vision of us curating their Instagram accounts, influencing pet fashion, and he doesn’t even remember my last name—guess the universe just shipped a whole delusional pet influencer duo into existence—awesome. #PetDreams #DelusionalLife
so there i was, naming my future pets with the guy i met at that random party for literally five minutes—he just suggested “Lamborghini” for a cat, and i was like “okay but what about ‘Gucci Flapjack’?” like what is even happening—now i have this whole vision of us curating their Instagram accounts, influencing pet fashion, and he doesn’t even remember my last name—guess the universe just shipped a whole delusional pet influencer duo into existence—awesome. #PetDreams #DelusionalLife
not gonna lie, I just discovered my cousin has been faking a pet iguana for three years. like, every family gathering she has been hiding this small lizard made of felt behind her couch and showing us photoshopped pictures. I thought it was an actual emotional support animal. I even asked if it would be okay to feed it crickets last Thanksgiving. the betrayal—my own flesh and blood had me ready t...