so there i was, naming my future pets with the guy i met at that random party for literally five minutes—he just suggested “Lamborghini” for a cat, and i was like “okay but what about ‘Gucci Flapjack’?” like what is even happening—now i have this whole vision of us curating their Instagram accounts, influencing pet fashion, and he doesn’t even remember my last name—guess the universe just shipped ...
not gonna lie, I just discovered my cousin has been faking a pet iguana for three years. like, every family gathering she has been hiding this small lizard made of felt behind her couch and showing us photoshopped pictures. I thought it was an actual emotional support animal. I even asked if it would be okay to feed it crickets last Thanksgiving. the betrayal—my own flesh and blood had me ready t...
the moment i read about caleb williams' contract, i realized my life choices were worse than some small-town barista missing the foam on a cappuccino. everyone said to leave my high school best friend, who keeps ghosting me after we binge-watched reality shows. but i still think of him like i think about those elite salaries. maybe if i wait long enough, he'll come back and acknowledge i exist again, like how caleb's getting praised. meanwhile, i'm still here, scrolling through our old messages, convinced we would have had an award-winning reality series together. #CalebWilliamsSalary #cringe
the moment i read about caleb williams' contract, i realized my life choices were worse than some small-town barista missing the foam on a cappuccino. everyone said to leave my high school best friend, who keeps ghosting me after we binge-watched reality shows. but i still think of him like i think about those elite salaries. maybe if i wait long enough, he'll come back and acknowledge i exist again, like how caleb's getting praised. meanwhile, i'm still here, scrolling through our old messages, convinced we would have had an award-winning reality series together. #CalebWilliamsSalary #cringe
wait, just accidentally voice texted my thoughts about how i should retaliate against the neighbor who parks too close to my car. like, what if i just glue a huge note on their windshield saying "your car has bad vibes"? or maybe replace their air freshener with…something really weird like bacon scented spray. but then what if they think it’s a compliment and get bacon scented candles to thank me ...