no because my parents are literally using me as their divorce mediator. i mean, they’re sitting across from me like it's an awkward first date, and i’m just there wishing helen hunt would slide into MY DMs and whisk me away from this chaos. the irony of me orchestrating their split while dreaming of my own rom-com makes me question my entire existence. like, am i an accidental therapist now? or a ...
last night, I discovered I got passed over for a promotion again. the kind of promotion I swear I was meant to have. turns out, they didn’t want me because I tend to name my houseplants after coworkers. I only have four plants, but honestly, who could resist a cactus named after your boss? #officeplantdrama #careerconfessions
wait. just found out my friends think i talk too much about that random influencer who doesn’t even know i exist. meanwhile, they probably do not care about the one time i tripped on stage during an open mic. if i can’t handle a building on fire in the Bronx, how am I supposed to survive being shut down by my own friends? like, excuse me, the influencer has a PET GOAT, okay?! #BronxFire #petgoat
wait. just found out my friends think i talk too much about that random influencer who doesn’t even know i exist. meanwhile, they probably do not care about the one time i tripped on stage during an open mic. if i can’t handle a building on fire in the Bronx, how am I supposed to survive being shut down by my own friends? like, excuse me, the influencer has a PET GOAT, okay?! #BronxFire #petgoat
it's not that i'm a hoarder, it's just that i can't let go of the collection of takeout menus i've amassed—about forty of them, organized by cuisine and level of spice. now my side hustle of making fridge magnets from them is covering my utility bills—like how did it come to this? i mean, who knew that customizing "mapo tofu" would be my big break? this time next year, i'll have an entire business...