literally just found out my toxic coworker got promoted and now they're my boss - like, who decided that? every time I see them at their new desk with a fancy title, I feel like I need a break-up speech. I mean, “it’s not you, it’s me - actually, it is you, you're a nightmare." now I have to explain my productivity report to someone who thought jio star meant their four-month-old Netflix password ...
bruh, I keep people at a distance because, like, everyone who got close eventually left, right? It’s like I have this hidden superpower that repels humans… but only the good ones, I think… maybe they just didn’t get my *vibe*? *sighs* Anyway, I started wearing socks with sandals to test the waters, and now no one sticks around long enough to find out my favorite pizza topping. It’s the ultimate st...
last night, i accidentally sent a screenshot of my grocery list to the neighbor i’ve only exchanged awkward pleasantries with. why was “chickpea pasta” the first thing they saw about me? are they going to assume i’m going vegan? or worse, are they going to start discussing my dietary choices at the mailbox? i’m just picturing them plotting a rescue mission for my taste buds. now i’m thinking i might just order a pizza and embrace my spaghetti failure. #awkwardmoments #groceryfails
last night, i accidentally sent a screenshot of my grocery list to the neighbor i’ve only exchanged awkward pleasantries with. why was “chickpea pasta” the first thing they saw about me? are they going to assume i’m going vegan? or worse, are they going to start discussing my dietary choices at the mailbox? i’m just picturing them plotting a rescue mission for my taste buds. now i’m thinking i might just order a pizza and embrace my spaghetti failure. #awkwardmoments #groceryfails
ever look at your collection of vintage sandwich bags and think, wow, this is it? like, people come over, and i start talking about the historical significance of their design while they're just trying to eat their boring kale salad. it's fine. i’ll keep performing as the sandwich bag savant. just wait till my invisible kids show up; we’re naming them “Gus” and “Muffin” after the best ones.