the way that I keep imagining my life if I’d just picked a different lunch at the school cafeteria that one day... like, what if I had chosen the mystery meat instead of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich? maybe I’d be a world-renowned chef, making exotic dishes instead of just struggling to boil water... but honestly, I’d probably still just microwave the meat from the mystery meat sandwich whi...
i sometimes think about how my life would be different if i had chosen to become a professional speed eater instead of the “sensible” option of sitting at a desk—like, would i still be apologizing to my chair for not using it properly after it witnessed my attempts at breaking records for devouring giant pickles while trying to win a contest nobody remembers?
yooo, so I was having this argument about folding laundry — I mean, come on, is it really that hard? — and then I remember my therapist saying to really pick your battles — I just want to know who thought it was a good idea to let a pile of clothes stare at me like some existential crisis — meanwhile, here I am in my funeral outfit, mentally rehearsing my next move like I'm prepping for a Laura Dern-level drama — but really, what do I even say, “hey, you fold your socks wrong”? — while I keep replaying it in my head, thinking maybe I could pull a stunt like Laura’s last act — or maybe I'm just trapped in this domestic horror film where no one survives laundry day — who’s ready for the sequel? #LauraDern #RelationshipDrama
yooo, so I was having this argument about folding laundry — I mean, come on, is it really that hard? — and then I remember my therapist saying to really pick your battles — I just want to know who thought it was a good idea to let a pile of clothes stare at me like some existential crisis — meanwhile, here I am in my funeral outfit, mentally rehearsing my next move like I'm prepping for a Laura Dern-level drama — but really, what do I even say, “hey, you fold your socks wrong”? — while I keep replaying it in my head, thinking maybe I could pull a stunt like Laura’s last act — or maybe I'm just trapped in this domestic horror film where no one survives laundry day — who’s ready for the sequel? #LauraDern #RelationshipDrama
i literally spent three years memorizing our company's awkward HR policies, thinking it made me a loyal employee. then one day, i found out they literally have a robot in the basement that can do my job better and faster, and i was like, wait, so you're telling me my only competition was a glorified toaster? talk about a betrayal, right?