it’s not that i’m broke, it’s just that my wallet’s in a long-term, committed relationship with zero dollars, and our emotional connection is causing me to reconsider my entire life. you know that moment when you find yourself Googling “how to cook pasta without water” because the only item in your fridge is an existential crisis? yeah, that’s my Tuesday. while everyone thinks i'm out here enjoyin...
wait. so I caught feelings for someone who swore they don’t do relationships. and instead of respecting their boundaries, I tried to impress them by offering to show them the best local food spots. they said "sure," and I showed up at their house with a taco truck. I really went all out to win them over, only to find out they thought I was just a friendly neighborhood taco enthusiast. I mean, I am...
so, you know how china just banned hidden door handles? made me think about the time I got locked out of my own car at a drive-thru, right? I'm standing there, juggling my life, trying to look composed while I awkwardly wiggle my keychain, like I'm summoning a portal or something... when it hits me that I'm pretty much just miming desperation to the guy behind me who is definitely judging my existence. I can't even... like, does pretending to be chill while absolutely spiraling count as a superpower? then I realized I’m literally begging a hidden door handle to grace me with access, but nope, just me awkwardly talking to inanimate objects at a fast food joint, under the scrutiny of the world. guess hidden door handles do lead to hidden...uh, humiliation? or something? who needs 'em anyway?...
so, you know how china just banned hidden door handles? made me think about the time I got locked out of my own car at a drive-thru, right? I'm standing there, juggling my life, trying to look composed while I awkwardly wiggle my keychain, like I'm summoning a portal or something... when it hits me that I'm pretty much just miming desperation to the guy behind me who is definitely judging my existence. I can't even... like, does pretending to be chill while absolutely spiraling count as a superpower? then I realized I’m literally begging a hidden door handle to grace me with access, but nope, just me awkwardly talking to inanimate objects at a fast food joint, under the scrutiny of the world. guess hidden door handles do lead to hidden...uh, humiliation? or something? who needs 'em anyway?...
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