it’s not that i’m bad at math, it’s just that calculating how long it would take to save for an inflatable hot tub made me realize i’d need to sell a kidney. like, how did i get to a point where my biggest dream is a glorified kiddie pool? my cousin said the kids will have fun, but honestly, all i can picture is arguing with the neighbor over whose inflatable giraffe is bigger. i mean, if that doe...
literally just found out my coworker forwarded my private message about punxsutawney phil to the entire team. like, do you think people will focus on the fact that I said I only like Groundhog Day for the free snacks? or the fact that I also admitted to Googling how to train a groundhog as a pet? who am I kidding, now my colleagues will think I need intervention! #PunxsutawneyPhil #OfficeDrama
everyone’s buzzing about punxsutawney phil, but i’m over here planning my own shadowy funeral. like, what if phil sees his shadow, and it’s just an excuse for me to pull out my funeral outfit and rock that ‘better you than me’ vibe? so there i am, secretly relishing the day someone who always acted superior trips and falls, and boom—their face meets the ground like it’s a reunion i didn’t sign up for. now i’m wondering, do i wear black or just start practicing my fake crying? #PunxsutawneyPhil #shadowhumor
everyone’s buzzing about punxsutawney phil, but i’m over here planning my own shadowy funeral. like, what if phil sees his shadow, and it’s just an excuse for me to pull out my funeral outfit and rock that ‘better you than me’ vibe? so there i am, secretly relishing the day someone who always acted superior trips and falls, and boom—their face meets the ground like it’s a reunion i didn’t sign up for. now i’m wondering, do i wear black or just start practicing my fake crying? #PunxsutawneyPhil #shadowhumor
my ex texted me about stx stock this morning, and it reminded me how they always made me feel like my life's investments were a joke. they literally said, "you should invest," like I could make a fortune sitting next to them, texting my feelings while they splurged on all the wrong things. my whole life is basically a "stocks are up!" meme with zero dividends. honestly, it hurts to see my past as ...