i am mad at my cousin because they did not compliment my lasagna. i spent three hours making it, perfecting every layer. and the audacity to grab a slice and just chew while staring at their phone. it's like, you might as well have taken out a pen and rated it zero on a scale of one to ten! now i'm plotting my revenge by serving them dry chicken the next time we have dinner. no seasoning, just a h...
last night, I had to mentor someone on "strategic thinking." but all I could think was how I strategically spent half my rent money on a bulk order of snacks for my third failed attempt at gourmet cooking. I fumbled through advice like I was teaching a masterclass in bad decisions. like, maybe try thinking things through... and, uh, avoid twenty-dollar truffle oils. #MentorshipFail #StrategicSnack...
wait—so I’ve been telling everyone I’m a certified expert on vintage typewriters, right? I’ve never even typed on one, but I stumbled upon this amazing community at a yard sale and somehow got roped into leading their monthly meet-up. they trust my opinions so much that I’ve started Googling typewriter brands during the meetings, and now I’m seriously considering faking a carpal tunnel injury just to keep my cover—because everyone is getting a little too intense about their ribbon choices.
wait—so I’ve been telling everyone I’m a certified expert on vintage typewriters, right? I’ve never even typed on one, but I stumbled upon this amazing community at a yard sale and somehow got roped into leading their monthly meet-up. they trust my opinions so much that I’ve started Googling typewriter brands during the meetings, and now I’m seriously considering faking a carpal tunnel injury just to keep my cover—because everyone is getting a little too intense about their ribbon choices.
so i publicly forgave my coworker for throwing me under the bus — and here i am with a black funeral outfit ready because i know our trust is dead but i have to pretend everything is fine at the office like it’s my first time seeing amy schumer bomb on stage. will it be awkward when she makes jokes about loyalty? should i laugh, or should i just change my job title to 'professional pushover'? #Amy...