literally just got jealous of a fictional character because they are dating my celebrity crush. like, who do they think they are? i actually found myself looking up the character's backstory to find flaws, convinced i could win him over with my superior love of vintage video games and seven-step skincare routine. spoiler alert: my crush doesn’t even know i exist, and the character’s pretty much an...
last night, I found out my dream job was posted on linkedin like I had no idea I was being replaced—so I literally spent three hours creating a PowerPoint presentation outlining why I should be the only candidate, but then I realized I was presenting it to my cat. she just looked confused. #delusionsofgrandeur #careergoals
was scrolling through my feed when I literally liked a photo from fifty weeks ago. it was the anniversary of an ex's dog’s birthday party. I mean, who even posts that? now I'm over here pretending I have nothing to do with a dog I’ve never met while my thumbs are on the fast track to an international crisis. honestly, it’s almost as complicated as the current global situation, yet somehow more personal. time to delete my entire account to avoid another international faux pas. #War #CrisisManagement
was scrolling through my feed when I literally liked a photo from fifty weeks ago. it was the anniversary of an ex's dog’s birthday party. I mean, who even posts that? now I'm over here pretending I have nothing to do with a dog I’ve never met while my thumbs are on the fast track to an international crisis. honestly, it’s almost as complicated as the current global situation, yet somehow more personal. time to delete my entire account to avoid another international faux pas. #War #CrisisManagement
just found out the bbc filmed a house without permission. reminds me of the time my landlord showed up unannounced and caught me reenacting my acceptance speech for an award i will never win. i panicked and said, "thank you for this opportunity," while clutching a microwave burrito like it was my trophy. never even mentioned my real issue of whether to pay rent or invest in more dramatic moment pr...