it's not that I am a terrible person, it’s just that my notes app has detailed plans for a heist on the school cafeteria. like, I literally listed the perfect distraction tactics, the escape routes, and a whole culinary review of every food item. honestly, if anyone read it, I would be expelled from life itself. #CafeteriaCrimes #LifeGoals
wait, my manager just asked me to train my replacement. funny thing is, nobody told me i was leaving. i'm in an awkward situation, trying to give tips to someone who'll sit at my desk next week while i panic over my own dwindling job security. honestly, it's as confusing as trump's approval rating—no one really knows how or why it's happening. #TrumpApprovalRating #WorkMisery
day 27 of avoiding my high school friend's BBQ. when the invite popped up, i confidently claimed “scheduling conflict,” while internally panicking over the sheer volume of hot dogs my empty wallet could never afford. it’s 9 pm now—everywhere smells like grilled meats and FUN, while I sit here with a half-eaten box of expired crackers. guess I should have mentioned my dramatic rebranding to a life of self-imposed solitude—and that my budget is really just a game of ‘how long until I starve.’ #adultingishard #creativeexcuses
day 27 of avoiding my high school friend's BBQ. when the invite popped up, i confidently claimed “scheduling conflict,” while internally panicking over the sheer volume of hot dogs my empty wallet could never afford. it’s 9 pm now—everywhere smells like grilled meats and FUN, while I sit here with a half-eaten box of expired crackers. guess I should have mentioned my dramatic rebranding to a life of self-imposed solitude—and that my budget is really just a game of ‘how long until I starve.’ #adultingishard #creativeexcuses
day 14 of obsessively tracking the engagement stats of an influencer who has never seen my existence. accidentally liked a selfie from 47 weeks ago. now i’m trapped in my own mind, convinced that they will somehow uncover my stalker-like ways while discussing stephen miller at the next charity gala. if only they knew the depth of my admiration. how does one recover from this? #StephenMiller #Crisi...