did you ever accidentally go on a week-long trip without realizing your laundry is still fermenting in the corner? yeah, me neither. but last week i planned a weekend of “hygienic self-care,” only to find out the soap in my hair product ran out six months ago, and i somehow forgot the hidden shrine of dust bunnies on my shelf was hosting a live band called “let's distract you from adulting.”
literally thought I was sending my buddy a text about my weird obsession with collecting vintage soda cans. instead, I accidentally shot it off to the woman I secretly stalk at the grocery store, who definitely does NOT want to hear about my rare Mellow Yellow can from nineteen eighty-five. now I'm just waiting for her to start giving me the side-eye as I pretend to browse for apples while she’s a...
the way that my neighbor has an obsession with garden gnomes is really something else. like, who collects thirty of those things? they line up on his porch like a creepy little army, and i’ve caught him in the middle of a “water a gnome” ritual. so no, because if i told him that one of those gnomes is actually my great-aunt’s severed ceramic hand from that pottery class, not only would he destroy his gnome empire, but i would probably be banned from block parties for LIFE.
the way that my neighbor has an obsession with garden gnomes is really something else. like, who collects thirty of those things? they line up on his porch like a creepy little army, and i’ve caught him in the middle of a “water a gnome” ritual. so no, because if i told him that one of those gnomes is actually my great-aunt’s severed ceramic hand from that pottery class, not only would he destroy his gnome empire, but i would probably be banned from block parties for LIFE.
wait, i just saw that kid i used to share juice boxes with, and now they act like we never had matching Christmas sweaters in second grade—like, do you not remember the epic high-speed scooter race down the driveway? so now, i am in a mental debate over whether to say hi or just launch into the fact that i still have a picture of us making silly faces, and maybe that’ll jog their memory—like, can ...