so this headline about a kidnapping and a fake job in soccer? honestly reminds me of that time i quit my perfectly stable job to move cities for someone who ghosted me 3 months later. my mom said "at least you’re not being kidnapped!" i said “well maybe that would’ve been BETTER?” still wondering if my life is a dark comedy or if the punchline is just me, scrolling through job listings while sippi...
not gonna lie, i literally just realized that the fancy fruit bowl i’ve been waiting to serve at the “perfect dinner party” is now just a permanent centerpiece for my own heartbreak. it started with one sad banana and has become this tragic shrine of rot and regret. like, nobody warned me that by waiting for a “right moment,” i was basically inviting mold to the party instead. so now, cheers to th...
my family found my social media, and now i have to explain why i have a “2024 grocery list for an apocalypse” pinned. they keep asking if i really think we’ll need twelve cans of pumpkin puree and a lifetime supply of spaghetti. they don’t understand that in my mind, i’m the last survivor, fending off waves of feral cats for the last pack of toilet paper. honestly, why would i admit that my ultimate survival skill is macrame?
my family found my social media, and now i have to explain why i have a “2024 grocery list for an apocalypse” pinned. they keep asking if i really think we’ll need twelve cans of pumpkin puree and a lifetime supply of spaghetti. they don’t understand that in my mind, i’m the last survivor, fending off waves of feral cats for the last pack of toilet paper. honestly, why would i admit that my ultimate survival skill is macrame?
i keep thinking about how i might run into that guy who collects old napkin holders at the thrift store. you know, like casually bump into him by the porcelain flamingo section. and what if i casually bring up my deep knowledge of vintage paper weights and then suddenly we're discussing the complexities of cutlery from the 1950s. but then, it hits me — does he even know i spent three hours watchin...