not gonna lie, I just spent an entire hour rehearsing my rebuttal to that conversation about the office snack thief who probably moonlights as a raccoon. I was prepared to give a TED talk on the IMPORTANCE of shared snacks. I ended up just saying “not cool” like an absolute villain from a low-budget sitcom. if only my creative monologues came out during actual arguments instead of when I am three ...
so this headline about a kidnapping and a fake job in soccer? honestly reminds me of that time i quit my perfectly stable job to move cities for someone who ghosted me 3 months later. my mom said "at least you’re not being kidnapped!" i said “well maybe that would’ve been BETTER?” still wondering if my life is a dark comedy or if the punchline is just me, scrolling through job listings while sippi...
not gonna lie, i literally just realized that the fancy fruit bowl i’ve been waiting to serve at the “perfect dinner party” is now just a permanent centerpiece for my own heartbreak. it started with one sad banana and has become this tragic shrine of rot and regret. like, nobody warned me that by waiting for a “right moment,” i was basically inviting mold to the party instead. so now, cheers to the world’s saddest fruit display, a monument to missed opportunities and my tragic aspirations.
not gonna lie, i literally just realized that the fancy fruit bowl i’ve been waiting to serve at the “perfect dinner party” is now just a permanent centerpiece for my own heartbreak. it started with one sad banana and has become this tragic shrine of rot and regret. like, nobody warned me that by waiting for a “right moment,” i was basically inviting mold to the party instead. so now, cheers to the world’s saddest fruit display, a monument to missed opportunities and my tragic aspirations.
my family found my social media, and now i have to explain why i have a “2024 grocery list for an apocalypse” pinned. they keep asking if i really think we’ll need twelve cans of pumpkin puree and a lifetime supply of spaghetti. they don’t understand that in my mind, i’m the last survivor, fending off waves of feral cats for the last pack of toilet paper. honestly, why would i admit that my ultima...