last night i accidentally voice texted my intrusive thoughts about how i should just build a tiny kingdom and rule over my imaginary subjects, and then followed it with a full monologue about the BEST toppings for a pancake throne. my phone definitely thinks i am going through it. #delulu #intrusivefoodthoughts
i just found out they elevated velus jones jr. from the practice squad and i could feel my own life unravelling. last week i got upgraded to a standing desk at work and my main job is still a hot mess. the worst part? my side hustle, which i thought was a joke, is now paying for my main job’s lunch expenses. who would have thought velus and my empty wallet would have something in common? #VelusJon...
last night, my parents showed up unannounced. picture this: me in my dinosaur onesie, frantically trying to hide the three-week-old pizza box on the couch. just as i thought i was safe, my mom casually mentioned the “intriguing smell” coming from the laundry basket… i mean, i hadn’t done laundry in so long, i forgot how many of my socks had dedicated habitats. just then, the doorbell rang again, and i realized… it was the pizza delivery guy who saw everything. #lifecrisis #dinosaurlife
last night, my parents showed up unannounced. picture this: me in my dinosaur onesie, frantically trying to hide the three-week-old pizza box on the couch. just as i thought i was safe, my mom casually mentioned the “intriguing smell” coming from the laundry basket… i mean, i hadn’t done laundry in so long, i forgot how many of my socks had dedicated habitats. just then, the doorbell rang again, and i realized… it was the pizza delivery guy who saw everything. #lifecrisis #dinosaurlife
wait, just got the news about the mayor—now I’m having a full-blown identity crisis. I’ve been loyally helping my company meet its targets while silently crying at my desk over how they could swap me out for a potted plant. my barista knows my order, but my boss doesn’t even remember my last name. great. #ChicagoTribune #existentialcrisis