day 24 of my new hobby—collecting tiny rubber ducks for 'stress relief'—I wrote a masterpiece about their societal implications and the deep emotional connections people have with them—then my boss replied with just a duck emoji. really? a duck emoji? I poured my soul into that like it was my last will and testament—didn’t think I'd end up in a game of emotional charades with a cartoon fowl. if I ...
the way that the UConn women’s basketball team is crushing it makes me think of my own friends crushing my spirit in that group chat without me. like, am I supposed to cheer for them while they’re probably plotting my social demise? I swear, if I find out they're calling me the “practice player” in that chat, I might just... never mind. #UconnWomenapossBasketball #ChatDrama
literally, I told everyone I was a competitive whistler at family gatherings because my cousin makes juggling look hard. actually, I have never whistled beyond “Hot Cross Buns.” So now, I carry a tiny kazoo everywhere to back up this elaborate lie. and here I am, humming to myself in public, pretending I'm tuning up for my next big showdown with the world record holder… who is just my neighbor’s kid, and he has no idea I am completely delusional.
literally, I told everyone I was a competitive whistler at family gatherings because my cousin makes juggling look hard. actually, I have never whistled beyond “Hot Cross Buns.” So now, I carry a tiny kazoo everywhere to back up this elaborate lie. and here I am, humming to myself in public, pretending I'm tuning up for my next big showdown with the world record holder… who is just my neighbor’s kid, and he has no idea I am completely delusional.
so I ran into my old neighbor—like, the one who used to climb over the fence to steal my dad’s garden tomatoes—and now they act like they literally have no idea who I am. I was like, hello, you were the kid who tried to use my trampoline as a launching pad for your cat! but sure, forget our chaotic past. you do you, enjoy the fancy SUV while I’m over here wondering if last week's spaghetti is stil...