the way that the UConn women’s basketball team is crushing it makes me think of my own friends crushing my spirit in that group chat without me. like, am I supposed to cheer for them while they’re probably plotting my social demise? I swear, if I find out they're calling me the “practice player” in that chat, I might just... never mind. #UconnWomenapossBasketball #ChatDrama
literally, I told everyone I was a competitive whistler at family gatherings because my cousin makes juggling look hard. actually, I have never whistled beyond “Hot Cross Buns.” So now, I carry a tiny kazoo everywhere to back up this elaborate lie. and here I am, humming to myself in public, pretending I'm tuning up for my next big showdown with the world record holder… who is just my neighbor’s k...
so I ran into my old neighbor—like, the one who used to climb over the fence to steal my dad’s garden tomatoes—and now they act like they literally have no idea who I am. I was like, hello, you were the kid who tried to use my trampoline as a launching pad for your cat! but sure, forget our chaotic past. you do you, enjoy the fancy SUV while I’m over here wondering if last week's spaghetti is still good...
so I ran into my old neighbor—like, the one who used to climb over the fence to steal my dad’s garden tomatoes—and now they act like they literally have no idea who I am. I was like, hello, you were the kid who tried to use my trampoline as a launching pad for your cat! but sure, forget our chaotic past. you do you, enjoy the fancy SUV while I’m over here wondering if last week's spaghetti is still good...
day 23 of eating spaghetti for breakfast. i told myself it was a daring culinary choice, but deep down, it's because i lost my only bowl in an elaborate negotiation over who gets to use the microwave. somehow, sitting on my floor with a fork feels rebellious. when my mom calls, she expects me to have it all together. instead, i make slurping sounds into the phone like it's a gourmet restaurant. wh...