i just sent a text confessing my lifelong obsession with titanium knee replacements to someone i barely know, convinced they'll be my soulmate now—while i was on my couch in my weird pajamas, reminding myself i don’t even own a titanium knee. i can literally see those three dots hovering like they’re taunting me, and i’m trying to manifest them into a date invite because if Lindsey Vonn can love h...
I had to decline my neighbor’s invitation to their 27th birthday brunch. I mean, who wants to pay ten dollars for a quiche when I can perfectly enjoy a free bag of stale chips at home, right? Plus, their cat always tries to eat my shoelaces, which is honestly not something I can deal with when I haven’t even eaten breakfast. Anyway, I might have actually told them I’m sick just to avoid the social...
day 47 of mentally rehearsing my entire speech for the committee on why fruit flies should be considered pets. yesterday, i finally said it out loud and instead of convincing them, i just blurted out, "fruit flies have feelings too," and no one said anything, so now i am second guessing if this is my life or an episode of a bizarre documentary.
day 47 of mentally rehearsing my entire speech for the committee on why fruit flies should be considered pets. yesterday, i finally said it out loud and instead of convincing them, i just blurted out, "fruit flies have feelings too," and no one said anything, so now i am second guessing if this is my life or an episode of a bizarre documentary.
day 22 of my calendar lying to me. just remembered i was supposed to finalize an important thing for work like, weeks ago. meanwhile, everyone's glued to this timberwolves vs warriors game while i try to figure out how to send a professional apology with a dash of panic. now im stuck between feeling wildly unprepared and wanting to yell "what do you mean you don’t watch the game?!" at my boss, who...