i was voice texting my brother about how much i love collecting weird vintage spoons. yes, spoons. instead of saying "they remind me of the different people i've met," i accidentally said, "they remind me of the different ways i can be disappointed by my family." i sent it before i could delete it. now he thinks my spoon collection is a metaphor for my emotional baggage, and honestly? maybe it is.
honestly, i just finished reading that new book by chuck klosterman about football and felt like it was literally me reflecting on my own terrible decision to start an adult dodgeball team. i thought it would be fun, like, rekindling my childhood, but turns out dodging a ball from someone with a vendetta is not the midlife crisis solution i needed. now my back hurts, and i’m facing the disappointm...
so there i was, scrolling through my camera roll, and i had to stop and apologize to my toaster for all those random pictures of bread. like, seriously, i have three different angles of a bagel that’s never even toasted. now i’m over here trying to figure out how to explain that at my future trial for being the world’s most mundane bread enthusiast. i am so sorry, really. #breadlover #whathaveidone
so there i was, scrolling through my camera roll, and i had to stop and apologize to my toaster for all those random pictures of bread. like, seriously, i have three different angles of a bagel that’s never even toasted. now i’m over here trying to figure out how to explain that at my future trial for being the world’s most mundane bread enthusiast. i am so sorry, really. #breadlover #whathaveidone
i wrote a thank you speech for an award i didn’t win—only to find out my neighbor, the same one who borrowed my lawnmower and never returned it, got the prize instead. his acceptance speech probably includes a line about community and sharing while i stand in the back, holding my crumpled notes like a toddler with a broken toy. guess i’ll take my trophy for ‘most time spent on my feelings’ instead...