have you ever bailed on plans, but instead of just admitting you're broke, you say you have "stomach issues"? well, that was my brilliant excuse last week. there I was, cradling a bag of chips like a prized possession, contemplating if it's possible to fake a stomachache while secretly praying no one finds out about my collection of expired coupon books. then my friend suggests a “potluck dinner” ...
yooo, my manager just scheduled a 'quick chat' on a Friday at 4 PM, like what even is that? it’s always code for "I need to crush your spirit before the weekend." so there I was, practicing my acceptance speech for "Employee of the Month," thinking I had a shot. then she walks in, slaps a giant jar of pickles on the table, and says, “We need to talk about your lunch habits.” bruh, I just got dethr...
...so I thought thirty was basically, like, ancient—like, a dusty relic nobody wanted to touch. But now that I’m here, I'm just staring at my collection of dinosaur figurines and contemplating life choices while eating peanut butter straight from the jar—seriously, why is this what I’m doing at my age? Honestly, someone hand me a quarter-life crisis manual, I need to like—literally know if there are instructions for this mess.
...so I thought thirty was basically, like, ancient—like, a dusty relic nobody wanted to touch. But now that I’m here, I'm just staring at my collection of dinosaur figurines and contemplating life choices while eating peanut butter straight from the jar—seriously, why is this what I’m doing at my age? Honestly, someone hand me a quarter-life crisis manual, I need to like—literally know if there are instructions for this mess.
last night, I accidentally liked a picture of my neighbor's flamingo lawn ornaments from a year ago — not even an interesting angle, just the same stupid pink birds looking ridiculous. they don’t even own the flamingos anymore, and yet here I am, wanting to die of embarrassment while plotting a series of increasingly elaborate excuses for this digital catastrophe. at this rate, I might have to mov...