yooo, my manager just scheduled a 'quick chat' on a Friday at 4 PM, like what even is that? it’s always code for "I need to crush your spirit before the weekend." so there I was, practicing my acceptance speech for "Employee of the Month," thinking I had a shot. then she walks in, slaps a giant jar of pickles on the table, and says, “We need to talk about your lunch habits.” bruh, I just got dethr...
...so I thought thirty was basically, like, ancient—like, a dusty relic nobody wanted to touch. But now that I’m here, I'm just staring at my collection of dinosaur figurines and contemplating life choices while eating peanut butter straight from the jar—seriously, why is this what I’m doing at my age? Honestly, someone hand me a quarter-life crisis manual, I need to like—literally know if there a...
last night, I accidentally liked a picture of my neighbor's flamingo lawn ornaments from a year ago — not even an interesting angle, just the same stupid pink birds looking ridiculous. they don’t even own the flamingos anymore, and yet here I am, wanting to die of embarrassment while plotting a series of increasingly elaborate excuses for this digital catastrophe. at this rate, I might have to move before the shame lingers long enough for them to bring it up over the fence.
last night, I accidentally liked a picture of my neighbor's flamingo lawn ornaments from a year ago — not even an interesting angle, just the same stupid pink birds looking ridiculous. they don’t even own the flamingos anymore, and yet here I am, wanting to die of embarrassment while plotting a series of increasingly elaborate excuses for this digital catastrophe. at this rate, I might have to move before the shame lingers long enough for them to bring it up over the fence.
not gonna lie, i sometimes keep my old set of mystery novels out just to remind my family that there are better plots than my current life. so while they're casually reminiscing about my ex who "would have really understood the character's motivations," i’m here making a mental note to pitch the next one as a dark comedy about unrequited love. hashtag plot twist, hashtag this is my life now.