i thought moving cities for my ex was my big adventure, but three months later, i’m Googling “how to break up with a location” and wondering if i can manifest my way back to my old life as amy klobuchar runs for governor, meanwhile my pizza delivery guy just became my new therapist. like seriously—he gives way better life advice than any of my friends who literally ghosted me. #AmyKlobuchar #disil...
just got asked by my mom when im having kids again. she doesn’t know i’m still trying to decide which between talking to a plant or giving my life to a paper mache sculpture is the more realistic option for companionship. i mean, do plants even know my emotional baggage? it’s a toss-up. meanwhile, the whole world’s buzzing about that walk-off, and im just here like, do i walk off my responsibiliti...
so i just found out that my sibling is literally the golden child while i’m just the melted candle nobody wanted. like, i swear every family gathering feels like a live show auditioning for who can compliment them the best. meanwhile, i’m in the corner, plotting the collapse of the government because fema won’t send me a single acknowledgment when my parents compare my achievements to a storm warning. honestly, it feels like they’d send in relief efforts to save them before they even notice i’ve been stuck under the snowdrifts of mediocrity for years. #Fema #SiblingRivalry
so i just found out that my sibling is literally the golden child while i’m just the melted candle nobody wanted. like, i swear every family gathering feels like a live show auditioning for who can compliment them the best. meanwhile, i’m in the corner, plotting the collapse of the government because fema won’t send me a single acknowledgment when my parents compare my achievements to a storm warning. honestly, it feels like they’d send in relief efforts to save them before they even notice i’ve been stuck under the snowdrifts of mediocrity for years. #Fema #SiblingRivalry
I just knew I would be the champion of the gummy bear debate. Like, I practiced my points, rehearsed my inflections. And then, in an unexpected plot twist, everyone decided that sour gummy worms were the superior candy. Now I am stuck on the losing side of a battle I didn't even know we were having, and I can't even go to the candy store without being reminded I championed a loser.