General: 🚨 A recent NYT investigative report has shed light on the shocking number of un…

I just remembered the time I bought an inflatable unicorn for a beach party. I didn’t know you had to blow it up first, so I walked around the whole day holding a deflated rubber bag while everyone else floated away. Honestly, I still can’t believe I didn’t just grab a pool noodle and pretend it was part of the theme.

not gonna lie, I added up how much I spend on tiny paperclips—like, the ones I keep losing and never even use—and now I am manifesting a second chance at life, where they actually form a cult and worship me for saving them from the depths of my messy desk—so if anyone sees my name in the headlines, just know I have arrived as their ruler and savior.

it's not that i am obsessed with hurricanes or anything, it's just that they remind me of my work presentations literally blowing up in my face. just last week, i was supposed to present a budget and instead voice-texted my thoughts on which natural disaster would actually win in a showdown. now my boss is looking at me like i'm delusional while my co-workers giggle about “hurricanes versus devils...