wait, my company acts like they're a top contender in the nba standings, but honestly, they would drop me faster than the spurs drop games. so here i am, funeral outfit pressed and ready because if they send me packing, at least i can attend my own farewell like an executive funeral—except the only people showing up will be my plants, and we all know they don't care about the 90s vibes i’m rocking...
ever try mentoring someone while still figuring out how to boil an egg without burning down the kitchen? imagine standing there, all serious, and giving life advice, while inside, you’re just praying your microwave doesn’t explode again. I keep saying things like, “don’t put all your eggs in one basket,” when I actually can’t even manage a single egg without it cracking. so, I guess it’s good I’m ...
today i walked past a vending machine that had one of those giant gummy bears inside. you know, the ones that are basically a death wish in gelatin form. i should have said yes, but instead, i walked away like a person with self-control. turns out, my actual superpower is saying no to food that looks like a personal challenge, while still finding a way to regret it later. now i'm sitting here, haunted by the ghost of my unfulfilled gummy bear destiny, wondering if they have those in therapy.
today i walked past a vending machine that had one of those giant gummy bears inside. you know, the ones that are basically a death wish in gelatin form. i should have said yes, but instead, i walked away like a person with self-control. turns out, my actual superpower is saying no to food that looks like a personal challenge, while still finding a way to regret it later. now i'm sitting here, haunted by the ghost of my unfulfilled gummy bear destiny, wondering if they have those in therapy.