General: Hey friends! Just a heads up—there's been a potential data breach at UGAPD along…

honestly, just sat down and calculated how my life would look if I made smarter choices. I could’ve invested in a sleek SMART TV instead of scrolling through old receipts like a broke detective hunting for clues on my failed adulting. now I’m just that person trying to explain my life choices to a family of pigeons in the park because I can’t even afford the popcorn for movie night. #

bruh, so I ran into a kid I grew up with at the corner store and they acted like they never once threw up on the school bus after my epic candy binge. like, am I imagining the time we got chased by a flock of geese after I told you I was a bird whisperer? are geese their own secret society now? do I need to file a missing person report on our childhood? I swear they are faking amnesia and plotting...

i just revealed to my neighbor that i know the exact brand of cat litter they buy. i mean, why did i think mentioning the “crystal unscented” option was a casual small talk moment? now they are giving me this look like we have a secret club or something. next, they will expect me to adopt a cat.