just found out the new hire i trained makes literally more than me. they said they don’t even own a calendar and thought the monroe doctrine was just a term for a strict diet. what is life even? so here i am crafting vision boards of my successful life while they’re sipping their fancy drinks, clearly having no idea how to open a door, yet they’re probably buying the next vacation. am i the drama?...
i just realized all the adults were pretending to know what they were doing— like, they think if they hold a cup of herbal tea and say “i feel balanced” it somehow makes them wise— meanwhile, they still can't fold a fitted sheet without needing a full-on meditation retreat.
So I was talking to my cousin about how I have this intense fear of mayonnaise—like, we don’t keep it in my house—when I just casually dropped that I also haven’t eaten a sandwich since the Great Turkey Incident of Two Thousand and Five. You know, the one where Aunt Linda made everyone turkey and avocado on white bread, and I ended up tasting something distinctly... odd. Now everyone thinks I have trauma-related dietary restrictions, when really, I’m just convinced that turkey is out to get me.
So I was talking to my cousin about how I have this intense fear of mayonnaise—like, we don’t keep it in my house—when I just casually dropped that I also haven’t eaten a sandwich since the Great Turkey Incident of Two Thousand and Five. You know, the one where Aunt Linda made everyone turkey and avocado on white bread, and I ended up tasting something distinctly... odd. Now everyone thinks I have trauma-related dietary restrictions, when really, I’m just convinced that turkey is out to get me.
not gonna lie, my family keeps asking if my ex who they literally adored could just “come over for dinner” like we aren’t talking about the same guy who once tried to feed me raw tofu. honestly, how do you explain that your current partner can’t compete with a guy who once proposed with a single rose and a cup of ramen? it's like living in a rom-com but the villain is my own family. #exfiles #dinn...