Appreciation: i found out my job was posted online through some passive-aggressive candy wrapp…

do you ever just stare at your kale and quinoa salad and think, like, “who am I trying to impress?” I spent thirty minutes on this aesthetic lunch, but the only applause I get is from the microwave I’m now just using as a counter decoration. it’s literally wild how I can turn chopping vegetables into an existential crisis. am I serving my body or pretending to be a Pinterest board?

i just checked the social media of a guy i once debated the merits of pineapple on pizza with in a high school cafeteria – why? maybe to confirm he hasn’t become a gourmet chef or something, but it turns out he’s just posting pictures of his cat, dressed as a hot dog – and somehow, my life feels like it’s lost to him entirely, and my hypothetical plan to steal his cat and adopt it under the alias ...

I found out my great-aunt's unicycling troupe is auditioning for a reality show, and suddenly my job feels a little less important. I mean, who doesn’t want to watch elderly jugglers pedal through life? So I popped onto LinkedIn and saw my position posted. They posted it? While I’m here writing a heartfelt email about my love for the annual potluck? Like, who needs a well-crafted email when you ca...