ever had that moment when your parents show up unannounced, and you’re sitting on the floor surrounded by empty takeout containers like it’s some sort of bizarre modern art installation? yeah, so when they walked in, it was like a horror movie. i’m pretty sure my dad’s jaw unhinged faster than a yawn on a monday morning — and honestly, i kind of wish someone had tackled me like they did ilhan omar...
...so when my family found my secret Pinterest board for funeral attire, I thought, "Great, I’m literally preparing for the inevitable." Then I imagined them finding my list of potential headstones that literally include the phrases “finally at peace” and “told you so.” Honestly, now I need to find a way to explain that it’s for "research" for my next book about the hilarity of life and death… whi...
ever bought a fancy lamp to "light up your life" only to realize it costs more than your last five meals combined? now i'm in a staring contest with it, wondering if it’s too late to say i’m just a sucker for anything that glows like it has its own therapist.
ever bought a fancy lamp to "light up your life" only to realize it costs more than your last five meals combined? now i'm in a staring contest with it, wondering if it’s too late to say i’m just a sucker for anything that glows like it has its own therapist.
literally, my family group chat is the reason I wake up at three in the morning thinking about existential dread. like, who knew discussing “Missouri versus Alabama” basketball would spiral into a debate about Uncle Joe’s strange obsession with beet farming? honestly, by the time I read Aunt Linda’s rant about her new garden gnome, I am more stressed than I ever felt during finals week. at this po...