the way that i just caught myself drafting a divorce settlement in my notes app, only to realize i was fully in charge of settling who gets the vinyl records. like, one parent is playing board games with their lawyer and the other is trying to claim a cherished life-size cardboard cutout of a celebrity, and i am here, gripping my laptop, trying to figure out how to tell them neither one deserves c...
the way that my roommate saw my search history and we both pretended it didn't happen. i was looking up 'how to build a secret tunnel' right after i finished an episode of a true crime podcast about a guy who dug one to escape prison. honestly, now we just sit in awkward silence. who knew colin jost's commentary could lead to me considering my escape routes? #ColinJost #existentialcrisis
it's not that i care about the NBA Europe plans, it's just that i was too busy planning my elaborate funeral in case my life fell apart. the one where i made an entire guest list and decided on a signature drink called "Dead Dreams." now that everyone is making plans and forming partnerships, i’m here wondering if i’ll ever find time to just catch up on basic adulting. spoiler: i’m still behind on laundry and the last episode of a show that ended months ago. #Nba #lifecrisis
it's not that i care about the NBA Europe plans, it's just that i was too busy planning my elaborate funeral in case my life fell apart. the one where i made an entire guest list and decided on a signature drink called "Dead Dreams." now that everyone is making plans and forming partnerships, i’m here wondering if i’ll ever find time to just catch up on basic adulting. spoiler: i’m still behind on laundry and the last episode of a show that ended months ago. #Nba #lifecrisis
day 730 of my sibling promising to pay me back the ‘temporary’ loan for their rent. meanwhile, i just bought a golden retriever toy because it matched my sweater. it sits in the corner and glares at me every time i remember i could have paid for a therapist instead. #KamPatterson #SiblingStruggles