my parents just decided to have me play mediator in their divorce, and now i'm literally the emotional referee. it's like a bizarre game of emotional ping pong where i have to decide who gets the family dog and which side of the bed they sleep on. one minute i'm comforting my dad about his broken heart and the next i’m trying not to burst into tears over my mom’s new wine glass collection—like, wh...
so my camera roll has this collection of random potato selfies I took while researching the best ways to cry in the shower without getting my hair wet. like, if I get called to the stand, how do I explain that a perfectly lit spud looks like my emotional support vegetable? can’t let them know I’m one bizarre Instagram filter away from starting a hashtag called “Crying with a Potato.” #weirdhobbies...
i am literally supposed to mentor someone about navigating life, and meanwhile, my biggest achievement this week was organizing my sock drawer by color. like, how do you explain adulthood while simultaneously Googling “how to fix your life” at two a.m.? i mean, what if they ask me what to do when you accidentally drink shampoo thinking it’s your fancy conditioner? do i just tell them to keep a safe distance from all bottles? it’s all so confusing, like teaching someone to swim while you’re drowning in the shallow end.
i am literally supposed to mentor someone about navigating life, and meanwhile, my biggest achievement this week was organizing my sock drawer by color. like, how do you explain adulthood while simultaneously Googling “how to fix your life” at two a.m.? i mean, what if they ask me what to do when you accidentally drink shampoo thinking it’s your fancy conditioner? do i just tell them to keep a safe distance from all bottles? it’s all so confusing, like teaching someone to swim while you’re drowning in the shallow end.
the way that i just ghosted plans because i literally found out my favorite candle is almost gone—like, that’s my crisis now, so i’m sitting in the dark counting the days until payday while everyone else is living their best life. #adultingishard #priorities