yoo, just caught someone looking at my search history while i was pretending to work. all they saw was my *stan wawrinka* deep dive, mixed with "how to confess to my neighbor about their weird garden gnome collection". had to play it cool. my heart's racing like i'm in a break up conversation that i wasn't invited to. what if they tell everyone? will i get fired for wanting to marry a tennis playe...
so i just found out the new hire i trained is making more than me, and i had to remind myself that the universe works in mysterious ways. clearly, it needs someone with my expertise to hold it together while underpaid, like a spaghetti strainer at a pasta party. my real skill is in silently watching other people thrive while i eat cold leftover pizza for breakfast. #careerchoices #unqualifiedbutde...
my parents just decided to have me play mediator in their divorce, and now i'm literally the emotional referee. it's like a bizarre game of emotional ping pong where i have to decide who gets the family dog and which side of the bed they sleep on. one minute i'm comforting my dad about his broken heart and the next i’m trying not to burst into tears over my mom’s new wine glass collection—like, who thought this was a good idea? #DivorceMediator #ThisIsFine
my parents just decided to have me play mediator in their divorce, and now i'm literally the emotional referee. it's like a bizarre game of emotional ping pong where i have to decide who gets the family dog and which side of the bed they sleep on. one minute i'm comforting my dad about his broken heart and the next i’m trying not to burst into tears over my mom’s new wine glass collection—like, who thought this was a good idea? #DivorceMediator #ThisIsFine
so my camera roll has this collection of random potato selfies I took while researching the best ways to cry in the shower without getting my hair wet. like, if I get called to the stand, how do I explain that a perfectly lit spud looks like my emotional support vegetable? can’t let them know I’m one bizarre Instagram filter away from starting a hashtag called “Crying with a Potato.” #weirdhobbies...