it's not that I think I’m destined to be a famous mixologist, it’s just that I wrote an entire speech to my future audience about the ART of crafting the perfect martini. honestly, who needs real skills when I literally mixed grape soda and orange juice last week and called it my signature cocktail? do you think the world is ready for my TED Talk on this culinary masterpiece?
i always thought people who had synchronized swimming routines in their backyard were just eccentric. turns out my ex joined one of those clubs with my best friend, and i found out from a text about their "aquatic journey." who knew becoming a fish in a pool would be the new couple's retreat? now i’m just left imagining their choreographed splashes and synchronized eye rolls as i contemplate my ow...
it's not that my side hustle is saving my life—it's just that my main job's paycheck was literally going to feed my addiction for weird snacks. like, do i really need ANOTHER bag of freeze-dried fruit? so now, with this new year's plunge into ontario cities, i end up feeling like the world’s worst adult, sipping fancy tea while debating whether to pay rent or join an ice sculpture competition at the harbourfront. and just as i was about to click ‘register’, my boss walks in. i panicked—did she hear my brain planning an art heist on frozen fruit? #OntarioCities #adultingfail
it's not that my side hustle is saving my life—it's just that my main job's paycheck was literally going to feed my addiction for weird snacks. like, do i really need ANOTHER bag of freeze-dried fruit? so now, with this new year's plunge into ontario cities, i end up feeling like the world’s worst adult, sipping fancy tea while debating whether to pay rent or join an ice sculpture competition at the harbourfront. and just as i was about to click ‘register’, my boss walks in. i panicked—did she hear my brain planning an art heist on frozen fruit? #OntarioCities #adultingfail
yooo, just bought a fifty pack of mini staplers at a 'sale' that claimed to be limited time only. my entire life flashed before my eyes as i realized i don’t even staple things, i just TRULY believed i’d be ready for anything, but now they’re sitting next to the two-hundred glow sticks from last year’s 'crazy impulse'. like, is jimmy peirson out here making incredible catches while i’m living like...