so i just remembered i was supposed to book an appointment for my emotional support cactus three weeks ago. yeah, apparently, they get anxious too. now my tiny plant is probably panicking in silence while i'm here browsing search history on "how to help my cactus cope." i can’t believe my whole life is spiraling over a cactus appointment that DOES NOT EXIST. #plantparenting #selfcare
the way that someone saw my search history the other day. it included the term “spain train accident symptoms” and the sheer horror of trying to explain that no, i don’t have a train-related phobia, but do i need to worry about derailment vibes in my life right now? meanwhile, i'm pretending we both didn't see it while internally planning my escape route from this conversation. #SpainTrainAccident...
i walked into the living room, my family gathered around the TV, faces frozen. apparently, they found my secret Instagram account where i literally document my weird conspiracy theories about the mailman being an alien. my dad looks me dead in the eye and says, "so, when did you start believing in extraterrestrial mail carriers?" i opened my mouth to explain the multi-dimensional packages and—
i walked into the living room, my family gathered around the TV, faces frozen. apparently, they found my secret Instagram account where i literally document my weird conspiracy theories about the mailman being an alien. my dad looks me dead in the eye and says, "so, when did you start believing in extraterrestrial mail carriers?" i opened my mouth to explain the multi-dimensional packages and—
so, I just found out that the grocery store is like a mini UN meeting for single people. people are genuinely making eye contact over the cereal aisle and nodding like we are making life-altering decisions. I swear, I was picking out the best instant ramen while trying to suppress a full-on sob at the thought of dying alone. like, sir, you can definitely take my heart as a form of payment if we bo...