today i literally cleaned one small corner of my apartment and felt like a productivity QUEEN but then i remembered how my whole life is just rearranging the mess while the big stuff keeps piling up. sometimes i wonder if pretending to care about little victories is a way to dodge the fact that nothing really changes at all.
just realized i bought that new energy drink thinking it would help me stay awake at work but it just made me crash even harder, like why do i do this to myself, feels like i am chasing some idea of productivity that doesn't even exist. now i am sitting here regretting every sip, wondering how many times i can restart my day.
sat on my bed last night—this lumpy mattress i found on the curb—and stared at the pile of unopened bills on my desk while my friends were posting about their vacations and promotions, feeling like a ghost in my own life because who am i to think i deserve even a fraction of what they have when i can barely remember the last time i went outside for anything other than work or grabbing takeout with a stolen twenty.
sat on my bed last night—this lumpy mattress i found on the curb—and stared at the pile of unopened bills on my desk while my friends were posting about their vacations and promotions, feeling like a ghost in my own life because who am i to think i deserve even a fraction of what they have when i can barely remember the last time i went outside for anything other than work or grabbing takeout with a stolen twenty.
just sat down to work on a project i started last year and realized i still have not bought the supplies because i always tell myself i cannot afford it even though it is just a few dollars but when you start adding everything up like bills and that stupid subscription i forgot to cancel it feels impossible to get even a little thing done and now i feel stuck like i just want to buy some colored p...