last night, I scrolled past all those TikToks of Bologna vs Maccabi Tel Aviv and suddenly realized something. I’ve been blaming every dating disaster on ghosting or flaky apps when really, I’m the problem, like when you think it's the Wi-Fi but it’s really your own terrible connection to reality. dating profiles? more like a crypt keeper's graveyard of half-finished bios and unclaimed messages, ju...
not gonna lie, i told my barista i wanted a decaf because i had “an early morning meeting,” when really, it was just me sitting at home scrolling through existential TikToks. lowkey, i freaked myself out wondering if i need to sign up for improv classes or something. next thing i know, i'm rehearsing dramatic monologues in my mirror, and it's just me trying to be relatable while lying about not ne...
no, because the way that my sibling “temporarily” borrowed money for their “surely going to be the next big thing” pineapple stand two years ago, you’d think i’d have gotten at least a postcard from Hawaii by now. like, i genuinely thought they were gonna return with a tropical fruit empire, but instead, here we are, and the only thing they've produced is regret and a questionable fruit salad that “looks like it could be on a poster.” so now i just ask them for updates, and their answer is always, "the pineapple's still in the shop," like i didn’t know fruit could have its own sabbatical.
no, because the way that my sibling “temporarily” borrowed money for their “surely going to be the next big thing” pineapple stand two years ago, you’d think i’d have gotten at least a postcard from Hawaii by now. like, i genuinely thought they were gonna return with a tropical fruit empire, but instead, here we are, and the only thing they've produced is regret and a questionable fruit salad that “looks like it could be on a poster.” so now i just ask them for updates, and their answer is always, "the pineapple's still in the shop," like i didn’t know fruit could have its own sabbatical.
I found out my neighbor saw my search history. Now, every time I water my plants, I can feel their judgment, like they think I’m going to show up at their door dressed as a horror movie villain after Googling "how to plan the perfect funeral." Honestly, the fact that I'm prepared for anything in life but the weird stuff on the internet is what truly keeps me up at night.