the way that my couch has started giving me unsolicited advice during my existential crisis is truly something. like, how can a piece of furniture sound so wise while my brain just plays the same weird dream from 2005 on loop?
honestly, my neighbor complimented my yard’s grass and asked me how I got it so lush. little did they know, it was entirely just my cat’s litter box that got tipped over and spread all over. the subtle smell of pine fresh and shame is basically my home’s signature scent.
so there i was, fully committed to being best friends with the random sock i found under my bed, talking to it every day and genuinely planning our lives together, until it finally occurred to me that it was missing a partner, like the matching sock had LEFT IT ON READ and now here i am, in an unrequited friendship with a SOCK that doesn't even know how to text.
so there i was, fully committed to being best friends with the random sock i found under my bed, talking to it every day and genuinely planning our lives together, until it finally occurred to me that it was missing a partner, like the matching sock had LEFT IT ON READ and now here i am, in an unrequited friendship with a SOCK that doesn't even know how to text.
bruh, just realized I thought turning thirty would mean adulting hard and now I'm binge-watching shows I’ve seen ten times just to avoid thinking about it. like, Emerson Jones is out there embracing adulthood and I'm still crying over a flat tire from two weeks ago. if my biggest accomplishment this week is finishing a bag of chips while contemplating my existence, I guess I'm already an *influenc...