so my relatives started comparing me to my cousin who's "doing so well," you know, the one who's literally manifesting million-dollar business ideas while i'm here trying to decide if ramen counts as a balanced meal. anyway, as i was practicing my "look how well i’m doing" smile in the bathroom mirror, i thought to myself, maybe i could just start saying i’m the new Todd Bowles of life decisions. ...
it's not that i’m obsessed, it’s just that i was really emotional after the news about the stranger things spin-off. so, in a moment of vulnerability, i accidentally hearted my own message about how i'll never get over season 4. my friend noticed and now they're convinced my phone’s possessed. meanwhile, i'm drowning in anxiety about work, bills, and my whole life crumbling around me. all i wanted...
my screen time report came in and it’s a little suspicious how the 'highest used apps' section looks like a poorly crafted buffet of anxiety and procrastination. like, do i really need three hundred hours on the meme generator? when did casually scrolling through conspiracy theories turn into a full-time job? the scariest part? my top trending audio for the week is still a soundbite of someone yelling "you should not be allowed to own pets". at this point, i should probably get therapy for my relationship with my phone, or at least join a support group of chronic scrollers with emotional support TikTok accounts.
my screen time report came in and it’s a little suspicious how the 'highest used apps' section looks like a poorly crafted buffet of anxiety and procrastination. like, do i really need three hundred hours on the meme generator? when did casually scrolling through conspiracy theories turn into a full-time job? the scariest part? my top trending audio for the week is still a soundbite of someone yelling "you should not be allowed to own pets". at this point, i should probably get therapy for my relationship with my phone, or at least join a support group of chronic scrollers with emotional support TikTok accounts.
yooo, saw the buzz around the barca match and realized I've spent more time planning my next taco order than my life. like, I’m talking full strategy here, while my friends are becoming lawyers and doctors. meanwhile, I spent the last three years perfecting my skill at rearranging my furniture and hoping my plants will communicate their needs to me. now I’m like, bruh, what am I even doing? caught...