it's not that I think thirty is old. it’s just... I literally spent my twenties thinking I'd have a lifetime supply of pizza rolls by now, ready for my big adult life. instead, I just googled "how to keep a houseplant alive." like, how do you keep them from dying while you're still deciding if you want to shower? honestly, my future self is probably sitting in a rocking chair, deep-frying avocado ...
ok but wait, just found out my great-grandma was a champion at competitive fruit peeling – like, can you imagine all those family gatherings where I thought I was just munching apples but instead I was in the presence of royalty, fruit royalty, and that explains why I always carry a paring knife in my backpack for no reason?
it's not that i hate family group chats, it’s just that they give me more anxiety than running a high-stakes poker game in a submarine. who knew that arguing about where to have dinner could lead to a three-hour deep dive on my cousin's latest conspiracy theory about crop circles?
it's not that i hate family group chats, it’s just that they give me more anxiety than running a high-stakes poker game in a submarine. who knew that arguing about where to have dinner could lead to a three-hour deep dive on my cousin's latest conspiracy theory about crop circles?
wait. just heard the whole city is preparing for a massive storm while i’m over here mediating my parents’ divorce like it’s a family reunion in an apocalypse movie. they’re arguing about who gets the couch. meanwhile, the only thing freezing faster than their love is my love life because every barista i flirt with keeps acting like they forgot my name. if we survive this weather, who’s going to h...