i just liked a post about brandi carlile while searching for my ex’s new girlfriend's profile and i panicked so hard that i accidentally spilled water all over my laptop. i swear i almost apologised to the furniture—like, sorry desk, didn’t mean to make you the witness to my social media breakdown. now my laptop might drown, and i can't decide if it's worse that my browsing skills are that obvious...
bruh, I just stumbled on old texts from my coworker who was ALL about “let's crush the day” like two months ago. Now they're MIA while I’m here struggling to spell “Motivation” without a mid-day nap. Honestly, one moment they’re sending inspirational quotes and now I can't even get a reply about our lunch plans. it's like they switched from S&P enthusiasm to a full Nasdaq dive, and I’m just here s...
so, they said they needed space. no biggie, right? but now i see them posting with a giant inflatable unicorn at a pool party, while i'm over here debating if my left shoe has a better personality than my right. like, what do you even say to the inflatable unicorn? "thanks for stepping in where i couldn't?" this is clearly the new benchmark for having a good time, and i'm just here forming emotional attachments to socks. i guess my next move is to buy a floaty swan and start a bizarre water aerobics class, because clearly, that’s what winning looks like.
so, they said they needed space. no biggie, right? but now i see them posting with a giant inflatable unicorn at a pool party, while i'm over here debating if my left shoe has a better personality than my right. like, what do you even say to the inflatable unicorn? "thanks for stepping in where i couldn't?" this is clearly the new benchmark for having a good time, and i'm just here forming emotional attachments to socks. i guess my next move is to buy a floaty swan and start a bizarre water aerobics class, because clearly, that’s what winning looks like.
day 17 of me trying to cook my first soufflé. i watch videos on how to fold egg whites like it’s a delicate dance. but honestly, every time i whisk, it feels like i’m preparing a potion for a three-headed dragon instead of breakfast. i thought i could impress my crush with culinary skills, but now the only thing that’s rising is my anxiety about them walking in on me pretending the burnt edges are...