last night, I accidentally liked a picture of my neighbor's flamingo lawn ornaments from a year ago — not even an interesting angle, just the same stupid pink birds looking ridiculous. they don’t even own the flamingos anymore, and yet here I am, wanting to die of embarrassment while plotting a series of increasingly elaborate excuses for this digital catastrophe. at this rate, I might have to mov...
not gonna lie, i sometimes keep my old set of mystery novels out just to remind my family that there are better plots than my current life. so while they're casually reminiscing about my ex who "would have really understood the character's motivations," i’m here making a mental note to pitch the next one as a dark comedy about unrequited love. hashtag plot twist, hashtag this is my life now.
I confidently told everyone I speak fluent Swahili—because, honestly, how hard could it be to learn five phrases off a travel blog? Fast forward two years of faking deep conversations with a charming grin—only to realize that now I have to attend a wedding in Kenya, and the only thing I can actually say is “where is the bathroom?” followed by a very dramatic mime of me needing to pee.
I confidently told everyone I speak fluent Swahili—because, honestly, how hard could it be to learn five phrases off a travel blog? Fast forward two years of faking deep conversations with a charming grin—only to realize that now I have to attend a wedding in Kenya, and the only thing I can actually say is “where is the bathroom?” followed by a very dramatic mime of me needing to pee.
do you ever just, like, lie for literally no reason? so, i caught myself telling this stranger at the coffee shop that i’m actually a professional unicyclist. they stared at me like i just asked if the moon was made of cheese. like, honestly, how do you even transition from discussing bank statements to manifesting success stories about India and Bangladesh's textile drama? now, I’m questioning wh...