it’s two a.m. and I’m in the kitchen, trying to convince my toaster to join my 12-step program for burnt bread. my situationship just introduced me to a new ‘friend’—who turns out to be an actual toaster that plays soft jazz. I mean—did I need a culinary confidant, or am I just out here having existential kitchen conversations with appliances?
literally just found out through a casual scroll on a random website that my favorite cereal brand is being recalled for mysterious reasons, so now i'm having a full-on existential crisis about how i'm gonna start my day without blueberry blast crunch. honestly, i can't decide if this means i have to be healthier or if the universe is just telling me to make more bad decisions while i still can. #...
it's not that i'm invested in soccer or anything—it's just—my life is already a chaotic sport, right? so, while checking on my neighbor's garden to see if their gnome collection finally got rearranged (again), i accidentally liked a post about that Genk game... what is wrong with me? i panicked, scrolled away faster than i did during last Thanksgiving dinner when my aunt tried to compare my life choices to my cousin’s—should've seen me running for the door... and now i’m sitting here like, great, my social media is gonna suggest i need a jersey instead of therapy... #Uel #SoccerProblems
it's not that i'm invested in soccer or anything—it's just—my life is already a chaotic sport, right? so, while checking on my neighbor's garden to see if their gnome collection finally got rearranged (again), i accidentally liked a post about that Genk game... what is wrong with me? i panicked, scrolled away faster than i did during last Thanksgiving dinner when my aunt tried to compare my life choices to my cousin’s—should've seen me running for the door... and now i’m sitting here like, great, my social media is gonna suggest i need a jersey instead of therapy... #Uel #SoccerProblems
it’s not that i don’t love my job, it’s just that when my boss said “we’re like family here” before announcing no raises, i had a flashback to my weird uncle who always takes the last slice of pizza. literally, i'm just here waiting for the “we value you” speech while secretly Googling “how to negotiate a salary without sounding desperate.” and then, as if watching a boxing match, i see Shakur Ste...