so there I was, standing on the sidelines, watching someone I barely know accept my dream opportunity, while I’m over here trying to remember if I locked my door and what that weird noise was from last night—now they're giving TED talks and I'm still contemplating whether to get a six-dollar sandwich from that deli or just slowly wither away from existential dread, cause like, who am I to refuse f...
wait. just sent a message meant for my crush in the group chat. it was all about how larry ellison could totally finance my dream of a permanent vacation from this boring job. now my friends are asking for details, like, they want a power point. what do i do? tell them the truth or deny my career aspirations while praying my crush doesn’t actually see it? #LarryEllison #Help
ok but I literally spent twenty minutes practicing my excited reaction to winning the big game that doesn't even exist. I was pacing in my living room, pretending to hug imaginary teammates like a madman. then my neighbor walked by and I had to laugh, awkwardly wave, and explain my “intense cardio session.” but like, can you imagine me doing this alone while simultaneously fist-bumping an invisible trophy? what even is my life?
ok but I literally spent twenty minutes practicing my excited reaction to winning the big game that doesn't even exist. I was pacing in my living room, pretending to hug imaginary teammates like a madman. then my neighbor walked by and I had to laugh, awkwardly wave, and explain my “intense cardio session.” but like, can you imagine me doing this alone while simultaneously fist-bumping an invisible trophy? what even is my life?
ever find yourself daydreaming about the intense love story that unfolds every time you pass by the weirdly aggressive parrot at the pet store? yeah, me neither… except for today. i was convinced it was sending me secret messages through its loud squawks. obviously, it was speaking to my soul and definitely not just scaring customers. so, i rehearsed my life-changing, heartfelt confession in the ...