not gonna lie, I literally just sent a screenshot of my grocery list to the one person I always complain about my food choices to. I was thinking about kale and quinoa, and boom, suddenly they're getting my inner thoughts on vegetable prep. now I’m manifesting that they’ll reach out and ask me for a cooking tutorial, but realistically, I’ll just end up dodging them at the store forever. #awkwardmo...
last night, i poured my heart out in a breakup text, meticulously crafting each line like a personal sonnet. they replied with “ok.” so, naturally, i’ve decided this is the universe telling me to manifest my inner novak djokovic and win this love match back—plot twist, they probably never even cared, like that time djokovic lost the first set and went on to dominate. here i am, deep in denial, con...
not gonna lie, I once went to a "mystical experiences" event thinking I’d unlock my inner spiritual guru. instead, I spent an hour with a woman named Celeste who insisted her cat could communicate with the dead. it sounded kind of crazy until she pulled out a crystal that cost more than my last three meals combined, and then she wanted to “open my third eye” while talking about a conspiracy theory involving pineapple on pizza. at some point, I started nodding off, and she thought it was a sign I had achieved enlightenment. so yeah, I went home and wrote about it for hours... then deleted it all, because how do you explain that to your therapist?
not gonna lie, I once went to a "mystical experiences" event thinking I’d unlock my inner spiritual guru. instead, I spent an hour with a woman named Celeste who insisted her cat could communicate with the dead. it sounded kind of crazy until she pulled out a crystal that cost more than my last three meals combined, and then she wanted to “open my third eye” while talking about a conspiracy theory involving pineapple on pizza. at some point, I started nodding off, and she thought it was a sign I had achieved enlightenment. so yeah, I went home and wrote about it for hours... then deleted it all, because how do you explain that to your therapist?
I thought I could save for a treadmill, so I sat down, calculator in hand, all set to become the next fitness guru. But then I realized it would take ten months of ramen noodles, three fewer pairs of socks, and an uncomfortable amount of not going out ever. Sorry, couch, I guess you’ll have to keep being my fitness companion instead of my couch companion because I am doomed to marathon... Netflix.