so there i was, deep in the abyss of a Saturday night internet rabbit hole, trying to find meaning in my life, and i accidentally liked a post about the nipah virus outbreak. honestly, it was like my entire existence flashed before my eyes. now i'm mentally crafting an email to my boss, like, "hey, sorry for not coming in, but apparently the viruses are coming for us all and i just have a bad feel...
not gonna lie, i caught feelings for someone who literally told me they don’t do relationships. my aunt’s cousin’s neighbor’s dog also doesn’t do relationships, and i am finding more stability there. so now, whenever my relatives ask if I’m seeing anyone, i say yes! it’s a committed partnership with a Yorkshire terrier named Bubbles. not to brag, but we’ve already picked out matching sweaters. #fu...
ever consider that triple texting someone might actually be the only way to save your relationship with the last slice of pizza? just me? well, after double texting and then hitting send on a third, i seriously contemplated faking my death, crafting a dramatic backstory involving a heroic rescue from a feral raccoon. what if they thought the pizza deserved better? i mean, who wouldn't want to go down in history as the person who tried to save a slice of cold cheese and pepperoni? #MainCharacterEnergy #PizzaRescueMission
ever consider that triple texting someone might actually be the only way to save your relationship with the last slice of pizza? just me? well, after double texting and then hitting send on a third, i seriously contemplated faking my death, crafting a dramatic backstory involving a heroic rescue from a feral raccoon. what if they thought the pizza deserved better? i mean, who wouldn't want to go down in history as the person who tried to save a slice of cold cheese and pepperoni? #MainCharacterEnergy #PizzaRescueMission
my relatives just compared me to my cousin who apparently solved world hunger or something. they were like, “why can’t you be more like them?” and I had to mentally rehearse my reply while dodging the topic of my extensive collection of vintage spoons. like, sure, they have a six-figure salary. I have a six-part series on mastering the art of toast… which, honestly, I think is much more relatable.