it is 3:07 am and i just calculated how long it would take to save for a backyard trampoline, and it turns out it will take me a full year, assuming i don't accidentally buy 23 different kinds of marshmallows for my s'mores obsession - which, spoiler alert, i definitely will. so now i am lying in bed, dreaming of bouncing, while the only thing jumping is my anxiety about ever achieving this.
the way that i literally sat down with my relatives to talk about a recent political scandal and ended up discussing who in the family has the biggest crush on their barista instead. my aunt said she’d sign a non-disclosure agreement just to keep her secret safe, meanwhile i’m here worrying if my paycheck will arrive before the lights go out. literally just picturing everyone throwing my bill into...
it's not that i can't keep a secret, it's just that when someone asked me what kind of cereal i like, i told them my life story instead—like, what? i started with the frosted flakes and somehow ended up detailing my childhood heartbreak with my pet turtle named bubblegum who never forgave me for the time i spilled his water bowl. now they think i need therapy because, honestly, do i? who knew a breakfast question would lead to me confessing my deepest fears about turning thirty? #oops #unexpectedtherapy
it's not that i can't keep a secret, it's just that when someone asked me what kind of cereal i like, i told them my life story instead—like, what? i started with the frosted flakes and somehow ended up detailing my childhood heartbreak with my pet turtle named bubblegum who never forgave me for the time i spilled his water bowl. now they think i need therapy because, honestly, do i? who knew a breakfast question would lead to me confessing my deepest fears about turning thirty? #oops #unexpectedtherapy
the way that I just hearted my own text in a group chat about personal injury attorneys is WILD. like, I'm over here plotting my revenge on life’s little inconveniences and meanwhile my phone thinks I'm a fan of my own rants. can’t wait to explain this to my future therapist, “yes, doc. the injury was emotional. it’s because I lacked the ability to NOT heart my own genius.” #PersonalInjuryAttorney...