ok but what if john mulaney started financially supporting my existential crises instead of olivia munn? I’d be out here like “hey, take my therapist bills too, buddy, they don’t come cheap!” I mean, i’m considering throwing my own 'large family’ gathering where it’s just me, a stack of unpaid bills, and a couple of wilted plants judging my life choices. do i go for it? then again, how does one ev...
ever wonder if you could just hit rewind and fix all your mistakes? like, maybe I should apologize to that kid I bullied back in school. I saw he’s doing better than me now—probably laughing it off. but I’m still stewing over the time I accidentally spilled juice all over him while he was just trying to impress some girls, like Alex de Minaur’s attempt at facing Alcaraz. awkward. should I just sen...
last night, I had a profound revelation while staring at my collection of novelty spoons. turns out, every choice I've made is basically my parents' playlist on shuffle. I can almost hear them humming “good job” while I reorganize these stupid spoons by state. why do I even have a spoon from North Dakota? I’ve never even been there… it’s almost like I’m punishing myself for something I…
last night, I had a profound revelation while staring at my collection of novelty spoons. turns out, every choice I've made is basically my parents' playlist on shuffle. I can almost hear them humming “good job” while I reorganize these stupid spoons by state. why do I even have a spoon from North Dakota? I’ve never even been there… it’s almost like I’m punishing myself for something I…
it's 2am and I’m sitting in my dimly lit kitchen, wondering if my cactus would forgive me for all the neglect... so, I've kept this office supply incident under wraps for five years. I accidentally stapled my boss’s favorite tie to the board during a meeting, and everyone just thought the copier jam was the real crime... I mean, at this point, I could have a TED talk titled “How to Get Away with C...