last night, i saw that kim kardashian and lewis hamilton were hanging out in paris and it literally reminded me of that one time i prepared for my cousin’s wedding, thinking maybe i’d get a last-minute call to step in as a plus one for someone really cool. spoiler alert: nobody called me, and now i sit here in my funeral outfit for reasons unknown, hoping the doorbell rings any second with someone...
its 2am and i just sent a voice message meant for my therapist that turned into an accidental roast of my electric company. “hey, did you know i wanted solar net metering but you decided to play power monopoly like it’s the Hunger Games? no one asked for my pain or the upcoming apocalypse of my bill, Karen.” i deleted it faster than i delete my search history after googling "how to live in a van d...
you know you’ve hit rock bottom when your camera roll is filled with thirty selfies of you practicing your 'I just met my favorite celebrity' face in the bathroom mirror while wearing your pajamas, trying to figure out if your lipstick shade is more 'red carpet' or 'I haven’t showered in two days'. don’t even get me started on that video of me sobbing to a cat meme like it’s the climax of a rom-com, because yeah, that’s going to come back to haunt me at family gatherings.
you know you’ve hit rock bottom when your camera roll is filled with thirty selfies of you practicing your 'I just met my favorite celebrity' face in the bathroom mirror while wearing your pajamas, trying to figure out if your lipstick shade is more 'red carpet' or 'I haven’t showered in two days'. don’t even get me started on that video of me sobbing to a cat meme like it’s the climax of a rom-com, because yeah, that’s going to come back to haunt me at family gatherings.
not gonna lie, jab reunion pe sab log apne promotions aur new job titles bata rahe the, main bas sabzi bech raha tha. literally, I was thinking if anyone would ask, I could say I'm now a 'career gardener,' growing the same plants since twenty nineteen. ab ghar wale toh samjhte nahi, bas comparison karte rehte hain sharma ji ke beta se jo NASA mein hai. I mean, ab NASA ki baat chhodo, kisi ne mujhe...