the way that my situationship introduced me to his boss as just a 'friend' hit different. like, excuse me, are we not past that stage? meanwhile, i was over here crafting a backstory about how we met and imagining his whole office cheering us on as the perfect couple. instead, i’m just a friendly shadow lurking in the break room like a snack nobody wanted. just caught myself eyeing the coffee make...
i accidentally hearted my own message while trying to send some life-changing wisdom in a group chat. the vibe was supposed to be enlightening, but now i am forever known as the person who gets high on their own supply. on the bright side, at least when i get blocked from Discord after they IPO, everyone will remember me as the motivational guru. #Bloomberg #personalbranding
it's 2am and i just found a receipt for a three hundred dollar mystery purchase from a store i don’t remember going to, so obviously i’m convinced i might be living a double life as a spy or maybe a terrible magician. i mean, why else would i have an inflatable flamingo in my closet and twelve foot-long candles that smell like cedarwood and desperation? who am i even? #identitycrisis #mysteryshopping
it's 2am and i just found a receipt for a three hundred dollar mystery purchase from a store i don’t remember going to, so obviously i’m convinced i might be living a double life as a spy or maybe a terrible magician. i mean, why else would i have an inflatable flamingo in my closet and twelve foot-long candles that smell like cedarwood and desperation? who am i even? #identitycrisis #mysteryshopping
it’s 2pm on a Wednesday and i just discovered my job has been posted on linkedin. not just any job, MY job. turns out the person who always borrows my favorite pens is the same one applying for my spot. i can feel the betrayal deep in my soul. can’t decide if i’m more mad about losing my job or if they’re using MY pens in the interview prep. #TedCruz #JobDrama