like, when I turned down that huge project at work, i was convinced it was, like, literally a relief. then i saw my coworker crush it with it, and now they act like they're the next Steve Jobs. it’s like, okay, great, but now i'm just here, watching old infomercials at two a.m. questioning all my life choices. i thought turning it down was self-care. turns out it was just self-sabotage. #Sabalenka...
so there I was—pacing back and forth, analyzing the sharp corners of my cat’s litter box—trying to remember if I accidentally ordered thirty-five pairs of socks last week. I was convinced my cat was sending subliminal messages to make my sock drawer overflow. it’s definitely possible—so naturally, I questioned if my entire life was a conspiracy devised by an intelligent feline. I still can’t sleep...
i smile and nod when people say things like “the universe has a plan.” yeah, sure, a plan that involves me spilling my coffee on the one shirt i actually like and stepping in puddles that weren’t even there two minutes ago. i mean, if the universe is planning, it really should hire a better event planner. #lifeishilarious #universeplans
i smile and nod when people say things like “the universe has a plan.” yeah, sure, a plan that involves me spilling my coffee on the one shirt i actually like and stepping in puddles that weren’t even there two minutes ago. i mean, if the universe is planning, it really should hire a better event planner. #lifeishilarious #universeplans
i’m not ashamed to admit i tried to teach my goldfish to fetch—only to realize it was just staring blankly at me the whole time. you win this round, aquatic creature. #fishproblems #notwinning