literally just liked a picture of a dog in a cowboy hat while creeping on some random account. my heart dropped when I realized the owner was friends with my high school ex. now I am convinced this dog will somehow connect us and we will reunite over dog treats and western-themed conversations. but for now, I am definitely a notorious stalker... of a dog.
so, i literally spent all night imagining my life as a UFC manager for Andrey Pulyaev. picture me wearing an oversized blazer, yelling at a wall about strategy while my cat stares at me like i'm crazy. i thought maybe this was my calling until i realized my biggest fight was just trying to get my microwave to stop beeping. my cat deserves a raise. #AndreyPulyaev #aspirations
so, i was scrolling through a meme page, and boom, saw that elon musk’s net worth is like my self-esteem, utterly deflated. meanwhile, i get a group text about my ex and my "friend" who literally just started dating. everyone was in on it, except me. just feeling like the last one to find out you can’t just throw elon musk's cash at all the betrayals in your life. feeling like i should charge my ex rent for occupying space in my head when their financial status clearly can't compare. #ElonMuskNetWorth #ExDrama
so, i was scrolling through a meme page, and boom, saw that elon musk’s net worth is like my self-esteem, utterly deflated. meanwhile, i get a group text about my ex and my "friend" who literally just started dating. everyone was in on it, except me. just feeling like the last one to find out you can’t just throw elon musk's cash at all the betrayals in your life. feeling like i should charge my ex rent for occupying space in my head when their financial status clearly can't compare. #ElonMuskNetWorth #ExDrama
wait. just realized all the adults are just winging it. i caught my neighbor staring blankly at a can of soup like it was the meaning of life. like, how do you turn “microwave for two minutes” into an existential crisis? suddenly everything makes sense, especially when i see the grown-ups nodding along in those “we have it all figured out” meetings, and i’m over here trying to decode the mysteries...