last night, I was trying to impress my cat by showing off my ninja moves with a spatula. instead of a flawless spin, I managed to drop it and it bounced off the wall like a rubber ball. when I looked over, my cat stared at me like "really? this is what you do for fun?" then it just walked away. I think I lost my cat’s respect forever.
i just found out someone’s fan account got into a full-on beef with me over a meme i didn't even post. why would i be dragged into this chaos? their anger was directed at my three likes on their idol’s old post. it’s like, are we not living in the same reality here? this is the most intense fight i’ve never had. now i can’t even scroll in peace without feeling the heat of their hatred, all while c...
bruh, just found out the new hire I trained makes more money than me, which is wild because the last time I was this underpaid I thought dating my crush who only replies with GIFs was my life’s biggest mistake. like, I spent weeks practicing how to impress a guy who treats texts like they're last season's fashion trends while this kid strolls in like they are living the dream. now I’m spiraling thinking if I should wear a Newcastle jersey to work just to cope, because if I’m gonna feel like a losing team, I might as well look like one too. #NewcastleVsAstonVilla #LifeIsWild
bruh, just found out the new hire I trained makes more money than me, which is wild because the last time I was this underpaid I thought dating my crush who only replies with GIFs was my life’s biggest mistake. like, I spent weeks practicing how to impress a guy who treats texts like they're last season's fashion trends while this kid strolls in like they are living the dream. now I’m spiraling thinking if I should wear a Newcastle jersey to work just to cope, because if I’m gonna feel like a losing team, I might as well look like one too. #NewcastleVsAstonVilla #LifeIsWild
it's three a.m. and i just realized my entire life has become a detailed metaphor about how socks get lost in the dryer, just like my sense of direction. then i found out my only gym buddy started dating my main rival in competitive yodeling and now i’m questioning if i should just turn my yodeling practice into a talent show for crows in my backyard. what’s next, a duet with a pigeon?